This is a one-page record of the ways that one (1) human being — Bert — has consistently exceeded the minimum requirements of being a good guy. The exhibits below were compiled in the public interest, for your protection, and because he deserved a website.
FILED UNDERPEOPLE → GOOD ONES
VERDICTUNANIMOUS
EFFECTIVEIMMEDIATELY & RETROACTIVELY
RISK FACTORBEING NICE (SEVERE)
The Verdict
signed, sealed, argued about: no- Re
- THE MATTER OF BERT
- Being
- GOOD (UNUSUALLY)
- Evidence
- SEE EXHIBITS 02–06
- Grade
- A+ (ROUNDED UP. IT WAS CLOSE.)
- Witnesses
- 1,247 AND COUNTING
- Appeals
- NONE. NONE. NOT ONE.
- Methodology
- FRIENDSHIP
- Outcome
- LIFETIME OF BEING ALREADY ALRIGHT
After careful review of the totality of Bert’s behavior — the held doors, the returned carts, the “did you grab lunch?” texts, the rare and priceless act of following up — the court found no defense necessary. There was no offense to defend against.
It is hereby ordered that Bert be recognized as a good guy, effective immediately, retroactively, and in perpetuity. The sentence: nothing but the quiet, ongoing inconvenience of knowing him.
The Dossier
subject measured, weighed, found heavy with charm- Full name
- Bert. As in “Bert.” No qualification required.
- Also known as
- “The Guy.” Title earned, unearned, and re-earned daily.
- Height
- 5′9″ — taller when he laughs, per multiple independent measurements.
- Favorites
- The Bert (turkey, extra pickle, no negotiation). Anything involving other people having a fine time.
- Phone setting
- Silent. His heart, however, is never on mute.
- Superpower
- Making a group chat feel safe within one (1) week.
- Weakness
- None detected. Suspected concealed weakness: gives away his snacks.
- Pet peeve
- Milk left outside the fridge. He does not yell. He simply returns it, and the guilt does the rest.
- Availability
- Always, for the right door-holding opportunity.
Transcript of Good Deeds
ten (10) examples · non-exhaustive · peer-reviewed by everyone- 01
Held the door. Then the second door. Then, for a third stranger, the third door. Later forgot doors were even in scope.
A+ - 02
Remembered your birthday. Then remembered it again the next year. With a list.
A+ - 03
Returned a shopping cart to a different parking lot than where he found it — because that is where the cart corral actually is.
A+ - 04
Texted “you good?” after a rough week, and instead of “let me know,” said: “Thursday? I’m coming over.”
A+ - 05
Defended a stranger’s parking spot to a complete stranger. The stranger also thanked him.
A - 06
Apologized to a doorframe after bumping into it. Apologized for both of them.
A+ - 07
Split the bill to the cent, then refused the exact change, then suggested the next round anyway.
A - 08
Learned every name in the group chat. Pronounced all of them correctly. On the first try.
A+ - 09
Listened to a long story without checking his phone, and asked one (1) perfect follow-up question at the end.
A+ - 10
Made a sandwich. A real one. Structural integrity: outstanding. Mayo policy: firm.
A
* THE RECORD CONTINUES. PAPER IS THE ONLY LIMITATION.
The Bert Card
stats audited quarterly · results contested by no oneTestimony on File
all witnesses subpoenaed zero times · all volunteeredA living legend. I can tell. I have been watching you hold the door for the mailman for three years.
The best. That is the whole review. I have no notes, and I am a person who keeps notes.
I’d pick Bert again. Every single time. Probably said this before. Again.
He remembered my birthday. I am a cat living inside his wall. For us, this is significant.
Bought my lunch when I forgot my wallet. Asked for nothing. Just said “happens,” and meant it kindly.
The only “safe drive” text I have ever fully believed. I actually checked. It was real.
Bert in the Wild
photographic evidence · taken candidly · all smiles consented toThe Fine Print
small text, enormous truthDISCLAIMERS, APPLIED GENEROUSLY
This document is the opinion of everyone. Bert is not legally required to be this good, but has chosen to be, repeatedly, for years, in public, in private, and at inopportune hours.
Side effects may include being told “sure thing, I’ve got it,” finding a sandwich in your bag that you did not pack, and the persistent, unwelcome sensation of being genuinely lucky. If Bert ever asks whether you’re okay, the honest answer is: “yes, better, actually.”
Report any inaccuracies to no one. There are none.
OF PEOPLE WHO LIKE HIM · ART. 1 § A
Yes. Verified three separate times by three separate witnesses. The methodology was friendship.
For you to be okay. He will ask. He will follow up. This is a feature, not a bug, and it is not being fixed.
Doors stay open. Sandwiches appear unannounced. Group chats become unexpectedly wholesome. Side effects may be permanent.
You already are. Be less aware of it, more often.
The Bert Appreciation Society. It was a hard vote. The alternative was a plaque, and plaques get dusty.
The Thing To Do Now
action required · no skills neededYou’ve read the record.
The record is true.
The appropriate response, in every jurisdiction, is gratitude — filed immediately, delivered silently, with excellent eye contact.
EACH CLICK DELIVERS A SILENT “HEY, YOU’RE THE BEST” TO A RANDOM BERT NEAR YOU.